If your partner presses you for specific reasons behind the breakup, you can acknowledge that you totally understand why they’d want more details and perhaps give a reason or two, framing it from the “I” point of view, says Hendrix.
In general, you should reiterate the overall sentiment that you just don’t think you’re a good fit. “The only reason to really go into all of those little details is if you want to work on the relationship,” adds Hendrix.
13. Keep the focus on the relationship.
Address the breakup as a problem in the relationship rather than any shortcomings in your partner, says Porter. “Couples break up for myriad reasons, but ultimately, it’s the relationship that runs its course, and relationships always take two, so acknowledge your role in it not working out,” he says.
Hendrix puts it this way: “The relationship is this entity that you've created and that's what's not working out,” she says. “You're not a bad person, she's not a bad person, but it's the combination of both of you together that is causing you less happiness and less fulfillment.”
14. Prepare to listen.
Though you will be the one leading the conversation, you should also be prepared to listen—and listen carefully, says Porter. “You may not like what you hear. Your partner may react in any number of ways, but likely wants to be heard, if not have the last word,” he says. “Consider what your partners needs are at that moment and be prepared to address them and act accordingly.”
15. Plan for a number of reactions.
There’s no surefire way to predict how your partner will respond to the breakup, but you should prepare for a number of reactions.
If they get angry. “Understand that comes with the territory,” says Porter. Both Porter and Hendrix suggest validating their feelings. You can say something like, “I get that you’re angry; you have every right to be angry.” This may help diffuse the tension slightly, says Hendrix. At the same time, stay calm and don’t rise to meet their anger with your anger, she says. It can also help to ask: Are you ok to keep talking? Do you want to take a break and like to talk again in a few minutes? Of course if the anger is abusive (or otherwise threatening), you should say “this is not OK or appropriate” and end the conversation, advises Hendrix. Remember, it is never OK to stay in relationships because you're afraid of how the other person will react.
If they get sad. “Convey empathy as you would before the breakup—by a hug or some other gesture of affection, while being prepared and accepting of it being declined,” says Porter.
If they promise to change. Let them know that while you appreciate that offer, the breakup is rooted in the fact that the relationship isn’t a good fit and even if they change, your feelings on the matter won’t be swayed, says Hendrix. Also acknowledge that you wouldn’t want them to change for you, and only for themselves if that’s what they feel they need, adds Porter.
15. Don’t leave things open-ended.
In the moment, you may feel tempted to lessen the blow of a breakup by hinting at the chance of future reconciliation, but don’t say that if it’s not a possibility; otherwise, you’re giving your partner false hope. “If you say Maybe after I take the bar exam, then they're going to be waiting for their phone to ring after you take the bar exam,” says Hendrix. “If you know that this person is not a good life partner for you and there's a 99% chance that you're never going to rekindle anything, then you just want to tell the truth.”
17. Share a few positive sentiments.
Though you should focus the conversation on the breakup, it’s also kind to share reflections on what you like about your partner. “You want to be real about why your life is better because this person was a part of it,” says Hendrix. These thoughts could be well-placed when the conversation is wrapping up. “At the end of the conversation, regardless of the reaction, thank your partner for all the good times,” says Porter. “Express appreciation, and regret things didn’t work out.”
18. Check in with yourself.
After the conversation, do a mini debrief with yourself, suggests Hendrix. Ask: How was that for me? How do I feel right now?
Remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with breaking up with somebody and while you may feel bad right now, the feeling is temporary.
Also, acknowledge the fact that you just did something really hard. Even though you were the one who decided to break up, “you’re not in the clear with regards to feelings,” says Hendrix. As you work through tough emotions, be really gentle with yourself and practice self-care, says Hendrix. Do nice things for yourself: go to a movie, take a nap, cook a healthy meal.
