The 4 Levels of Reparenting
Reparenting encompasses four fundamental pillars, each playing a crucial role in nurturing and healing the inner child (LePera, 2021).
Discipline
At its core, discipline in reparenting involves creating a structured and supportive framework for growth and development. It entails establishing clear boundaries, routines, and expectations to provide stability and security for the inner child.
Through self-discipline, individuals learn to set healthy limits, cultivate self-control, and take responsibility for their actions. It involves consistency, patience, and compassion in guiding the inner child toward positive behaviors and choices.
Joy
Joy is a vital aspect of reparenting, as it involves infusing life with moments of playfulness, spontaneity, and pleasure. It entails rediscovering and embracing the innate sense of wonder and curiosity that often gets buried beneath the weight of adulthood responsibilities.
Through joy, individuals learn to reconnect with their inner child’s sense of delight and enthusiasm, finding happiness in simple pleasures and experiences. It involves cultivating gratitude, embracing creativity, and nurturing a sense of lightheartedness and fun.
Emotional regulation
Emotional regulation is essential in reparenting, as it involves developing the skills to identify, understand, and manage one’s emotions effectively. It entails creating a safe and supportive space to explore and express feelings without judgment or suppression.
By learning skills for emotional regulation, individuals learn to recognize triggers, cope with stressors, and navigate challenging emotions with resilience and grace. It involves practicing mindfulness, self-awareness, and self-compassion to foster emotional balance and wellbeing.
Self-care
Self-care is a cornerstone of reparenting, as it involves prioritizing one’s physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing. It entails nurturing oneself with kindness, compassion, and nourishment, honoring one’s needs and boundaries.
Through practicing self-care, individuals learn to cultivate a sense of self-worth and value, investing in activities and practices that replenish and rejuvenate the mind, body, and spirit. It involves setting aside time for relaxation, leisure, and self-reflection, fostering a deep sense of self-love and acceptance.
5 Commonly Neglected Needs in Childhood
Understanding early childhood attachment wounds helps us home in on the unmet needs that, as adults, we are still so desperately seeking to fill. These may be consequences of childhood emotional neglect.
According to literature (Copley, 2023; Gibson, 2015; Müller et al., 2019; Salokangas et al., 2020), commonly neglected needs in childhood that turn into attachment traumas include the following.
1. Emotional validation
Children require validation of their emotions to develop a healthy sense of self-awareness and emotional regulation. When emotional needs are neglected, children may struggle to understand and express their feelings, leading to difficulties in forming secure attachments and coping with stress.
2. Unconditional love and acceptance
Every child deserves to feel unconditionally loved and accepted for who they are. When this need is neglected, children may develop feelings of unworthiness and insecurity, impacting their self-esteem and ability to form healthy relationships throughout their lives.
3. Physical safety and security
Providing a safe and secure environment is essential for children to thrive. Neglecting this need can result in feelings of fear, anxiety, and mistrust, hindering a child’s ability to explore and engage with the world around them.
4. Stability and consistency
Children thrive on routine and predictability, as it provides them with a sense of stability and security. When this need is neglected, children may struggle with feelings of chaos and uncertainty, leading to difficulties in regulating emotions and behavior.
5. Empathy and understanding
Children need adults who can empathize with their experiences and understand their perspective. Neglecting this need can result in feelings of isolation and alienation, as children may struggle to connect with others and express themselves authentically.
Providing empathy and understanding helps children feel seen, heard, and valued, fostering healthy emotional development and resilience.
7 Benefits of Reparenting Your Inner Child
Through understanding and reconnecting with our inner child, we begin reclaiming lost parts of ourselves and fostering inner harmony and resilience. Benefits of learning how to reparent your inner child include the following.
1. Healing past wounds
Reparenting your inner child offers a profound opportunity to heal the wounds of the past. By providing the love, care, and validation that may have been lacking in childhood, you can address unresolved traumas and emotional pain, fostering a sense of wholeness and healing (Copley, 2023; LePera, 2021).
2. Self-compassion cultivation
Engaging in reparenting practices cultivates self-compassion and self-acceptance. By offering yourself the nurturing care and understanding you needed as a child, you learn to treat yourself with kindness and compassion, fostering a deeper sense of self-worth and self-love (Schwartz, 2021).
3. Improved relationships
As you learn to reparent your inner child, you develop a deeper understanding of your own needs and emotions, which can positively impact your relationships with others. By fostering self-awareness and self-compassion, you can cultivate healthier and more fulfilling connections with those around you (Copley, 2023).
4. Emotional regulation
Reparenting techniques can help improve emotional regulation skills by providing a safe and supportive space to explore and express emotions. By learning to attune to the needs of your inner child, you develop greater emotional awareness and resilience, allowing you to navigate challenging situations with greater ease (LePera, 2021).
5. Breaking self-sabotage patterns
Many self-sabotaging behaviors stem from unresolved childhood wounds. Reparenting your inner child helps you identify and address these patterns, empowering you to break free from destructive behaviors and thought patterns that no longer serve you (Copley, 2023).
6. Enhanced self-trust
Reparenting your inner child involves nurturing and validating your own experiences and emotions. This process builds self-confidence and self-trust, empowering you to step into your authentic self and pursue your goals and aspirations with courage and conviction (Copley, 2023).
7. Increased resilience
Through reparenting, you develop resilience in the face of adversity. By acknowledging and addressing past traumas, you build inner strength and resilience, allowing you to navigate life’s challenges with greater ease and adaptability (Schwartz, 2021).
9 Tips for Reparenting Yourself
Reparenting your inner child is a transformative journey. In this process, it’s essential to adopt practical strategies that provide gentle guidance and support as you navigate the complexities of your inner world.
Here are nine tips tailored to empower you on your reparenting journey (Davis, 2020b):
- Embrace positive affirmations, such as “I am a good person,” to cultivate self-worth and positivity.
- Engage in conversations with your adult self, seeking guidance and support for making grown-up decisions.
- Reward yourself daily for accomplishments, no matter how small, to reinforce positive behaviors and self-care.
- Prioritize adequate sleep to support overall wellbeing and emotional balance.
- Maintain a reparenting notebook to jot down daily tasks and achievements, celebrating your progress along the way.
- Incorporate mindfulness practices into your routine to stay grounded and present in the moment.
- Express self-love and acceptance, even if it feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable.
- Reflect on cherished childhood memories to nurture a sense of nostalgia and connection.
- Create new “good” memories and traditions to foster joy and fulfillment in your adult life.
3 Reparenting Exercises for Trauma Healing
Reparenting exercises serve as a therapeutic pathway to reconnect with our younger selves and extend the nurturing and protective care that was absent in those formative years. The following exercises can offer ourselves the comfort and validation that we so desperately needed but were unable to receive at the time.
1. Letter writing to your inner child
Begin a dialogue with your inner child by penning heartfelt letters to yourself. These letters serve as a private space for expression, release, and healing, offering a nurturing outlet for both the child and adult within you.
Grab a pen and paper, or envelopes if desired, and let your thoughts flow freely. Remember, these letters are solely for your eyes, providing a compassionate platform for self-reflection and growth. For more on writing activities and journaling, we recommend our writing therapy article.
2. Shadow work for inner child exploration
Exploring the shadow involves uncovering suppressed aspects of the psyche that you were taught to feel ashamed of in childhood and now wish to keep hidden. The self-exploration process includes delving into areas of deep pain, shame, or low self-worth to bring these unconscious elements into consciousness so they can be explored and healed.
As a reparenting exercise, we can evoke the feelings and thoughts associated with our shadow, such as reflecting on statements like “Children are in the way,” “Children should be seen and not heard,” and “Children are easily manipulated.” Pay attention to your body sensations and emotional responses, journaling about any thoughts, memories, or sensations that arise to deepen your understanding of your inner landscape (Johnson, 2009).
3. Mirror work for self-acceptance
Combat negative self-talk and foster self-love through the practice of mirror work. Take a moment each day to gaze deeply into your own eyes and affirm your worth with empowering self-acceptance statements.
Challenge ingrained beliefs by declaring affirmations such as “I matter,” “My needs are valid,” and “I am enough.” Or you can speak directly to your inner child by saying, “You are lovable” or “I will always take care of you.” Embrace the healing power of self-reflection as you cultivate a loving and supportive relationship with yourself.
